Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Once Upon A Winter

I don't want to sleep alone tonight. I can't seem to sleep the whole night through. Walls keep moving left to right, up and down, forward and backward in beautiful dark reds that turn into violets and I feel as if it's me, my mind, moving them. Everything is one and nothing is separate. One thing moves because of everything else and it's just so warm. Then I wake up and the wall is solid, white, cold, and static, completely separate from me. There is no one in my bed but myself and nothing in this world is a part of me in the middle of the night except for myself. It is the loneliest feeling I have ever experienced.
My emotions are so so malleable - so malleable. So are they ever even real? Did my feelings for any of these males ever truly exist as me feeling that for that person or were they just me using them for an emotional fix? Are the people only arbitrary then? It's all science and chemistry, I am not even involved.
Live your life and I'll live mine.
Your fate will never involve me.
A garden of misery lives beneath my bones
...and they ache, and they ache.
Our bodies turn into skeletons and collide to become one.


Devan said...

I love what you wrote. It makes a lot of sense, to me at least.
And he really is a keeper. Hopefully eventually as something more, but for now he's a really really good friend.

And I miss you lots =[ it's really sad. I can't believe we didn't see each other either!!!!! How are you doing?

Jamie said...

This is fucking amazing Shana. I feeeeel it. I know it. its beautiful.